“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
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Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?