Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
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I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.