*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
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Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
A game married people play.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat