walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
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explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
This was my dad’s browser history.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.