If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
You Might Also Like
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
I need to update my racial profile.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.