I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
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Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
*offers Batman cough drops*
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.