Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
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My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
real
#DesignFail
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.