Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
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WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
Yoga Matt
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to