If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
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If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know