Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
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does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.