Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
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[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations