I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
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I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE