Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
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My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
Not today
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.