GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
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guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
This is what makes twitter great
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
bury ourselves
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone