Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
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wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.