*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
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ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
(True)
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite