Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
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“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.