Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
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*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
LOL
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.