I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
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Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
sigh
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare