Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
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the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.