4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
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Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.