Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
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still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.