Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
You Might Also Like
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
oh shit
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*