I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
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In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.