*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
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Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End