When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
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*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
I drew y’all a little something.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”