It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
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[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Hank is one in a melon.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?