Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
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Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
i dont have time for this
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left