I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
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I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip