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My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
I just tested negative for patience.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Tell me you get it…🤣
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.