Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
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pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.