People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
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For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
There is wisdom there.
I love wikipedia
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?