I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
You Might Also Like
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”