[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
You Might Also Like
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.