BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
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I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
love pickles so much i put myself in one
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
The news
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.