ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
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Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
Lube but for my dry humor.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.