Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
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ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
58.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.