ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
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My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.