Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
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Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.