A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
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Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court