me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
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Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
one of
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Cashiers are always checking me out
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
the way this pissed me off… 😭
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops