I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
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Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
yeah not falling for this one
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
This classic never gets old . . .
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
October already? What’s next? November????
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.