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[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women