Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
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restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
kids play hide and seek like
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Venn
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point