Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
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[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
sir, my pâté if you please
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?