I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
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As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.