Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
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G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day