A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
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My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Breaking news:
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
Pee pressure > peer pressure
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website