I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
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“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.