Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
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It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?